An idea (well, a title) for an alternative Christmas play.

Perhaps two actors, with echoes of Godot. Would need to be funny. And Christmas-y in the way that Anthony Neilson managed with God In Ruins and Conor Macpherson with The Seafarer.

Set in the present day or perhaps in theatrical golden age? Probably best to be contemporary.

Could start with two actors but broaden out.

In their dressing rooms pre-show? And following the action through the course of the panto? Could be the Christmas Eve performance. Other actors, friends, lovers, whoever popping in...

Don't get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoyed doing the Two Day Intensive Film-making course at the Met Film School in London a couple of weekends ago.

There was no mucking about, we were just pitched pretty much straight into shooting scenes - first, for my group, from Kramer Versus Kramer and then, on the second day, from a short film script.

So, very practical and, with expert help on hand throughout, a good chance to learn.

And, although it was about narrative film-making I'm pretty sure I picked up stuff that will help with the short factual films I'm making (which was the reason I was on the course). For one thing, we did a lot of editing, and I realised how much more adventurous I could be even when shooting simple interviews.

But I still came away feeling a little ambivalent.

Perhaps it was the realisation of how much I have to learn. Or the sense that while (I hope) I have some talent for writing, I'm not sure that I do for directing.

The course leader, Jamie Nuttgens, was very encouraging, however and stressed that in the age of digital film-making there really are no rules when it comes to directing films; it's a case of trying things out and learning as you go.

So (deep breath) I guess that's what I should do.

For Radio 4 drama commissioning, pitch documents are really important. Apart from your track-record, they're all your producer has got as they try to steer your proposal through the commssioning rounds (although smaple scenes are sometimes requested).

I know it can be hard finding examples of pitch documents so here's what I submitted for The Tent.

This was my first pitch to the producer (I sent it, after an initial meeting along with two others)

The Tent

It starts as a solution to a lack of space. After the birth of his third child, with no money to move house or build an extension or even buy a shed, Gavin Lang puts up a tent in the garden.

It’s a place he can go for a few hours peace and quiet in which to work. Somewhere he can make calls without distraction. It doesn’t mean anything, he tells his wife, Fay. It’s purely practical.

She tries to believe him. But the hours he spends in the tent start to increase. And when, one night, Gavin doesn’t come back inside at all, they both realise that their relationship is in crisis.

Can they learn to love (or even like) each other again? Would a caravan provide a permanent solution? 

The Tent is a comedy about a couple overwhelmed by the everyday pressures of family life. 

Then, once we'd decided to make a formal pitch, this was the final draft.

The Tent

Gavin Lang is feeling crowded out. After the birth of his third child there is no room for his books, no space for his records and barely anywhere for him to sit.

His partner Fay is feeling overstretched. She and Gavin have always tried to be equal, to share and support each other. But it feels that only one of them is really driving family life. And it’s not him. 

The tent was up in the loft. Rather than taking chucking it out to make space, Gavin puts it up in the garden. Despite old sand on the floor and mould in the corners, it becomes a place where he can grab a few quiet moments and do some work.

Those ‘moments’ soon become hours. Then whole days pass with Gavin mostly under canvas. It’s practical, he says. But when he starts spending nights out there too, Fay knows that things are going seriously wrong.

One Friday, the house empties. The kids have been despatched to stay with Fay’s parents so that she and Gavin can spend the weekend making preparations for an event that has been 10 years in the offing: their wedding.

Amid discussions about flowers and salsa bands they are forced to question whether their relationship is now about anything more than beneficial tax arrangements. What do they really share? Why is Gavin spending so much time in the tent? Can they learn to love (or even like) each other again? Would a caravan provide a permanent solution?

Things come to a head at the zoo – a putative wedding venue. All that captivity seems to make it an ideal place to get married and they finally realise that it is not for them.

Back home, they feel their relationship has run its course. Gavin starts to pack his bags but when he looks for Fay in order to tell her that he has decided to leave, he cannot find her. She is in the tent.  Gavin crawls in too. And, as rain starts to drum on the canvas, they remember the first camping holidays they shared.

With the kids not due back until the morning, they spend the night out in the garden. Cooking together, sleeping together and falling back in love.

Last night was the first Scene & Heard show I've been too... and one of the most enjoyable nights I've spent at the theatre for a long time.

Scene & Heard is:

"...a unique mentoring project that partners the inner-city children of Somers Town, London with volunteer theatre professionals, providing each child who participates with quality one-on-one adult attention and an experience of personal success through the process of writing and performing plays. "

Last night's plays were written by 9-11 year-olds and they were all brilliant. The Scene & Heard team had obviously done a great job helping them to develop and structure their ideas but the results were very much the product of the children's imagination (and not a word, we were told, had been changed).

Some of my favourite lines:
"Jam your hype" (from Missing Love by Osman Jallah, aged 9)
"I could kiss you...but you're a toilet" (from The Poison Of The Plan by Yaaseen Khalique, aged 10)
"My name's Dave and I'm the solar system. I work as a chef." (from Solar Cam by Tasmin Aktar, aged 10)
"It's a long story...but I'll still tell you."(from Weather Control by Suban Abdirahman, aged 9)

What was so wonderful was seeing the characters and situations the young writers created being realised with such complete conviction by professional actors. Funny, touching and great theatre.

Every child should have an opportunity to do something like this.

A fun night at the Kowalsky Gallery on Wednesday, and thanks to Alex Topham-Tyerman for her performance of my response to Phil Ashcroft's Where You Go I Go Too.

Here's what I wrote (pdf).